by Doctor Perry from Arkansas
For the past few years I have awaken from my nightly slumber in the exact same way; a reluctant opening of one eye and then the other, a drunken stumble from the bed to the living room, and a glance out the window at the world around me. Each morning I partake in this ritual and yet I almost always see the same thing: nothing. The highway is quiet so early in the morning and not even the most insomniac-stricken peoples are out yet. And still I stare at the empty landscape, sighing at the blank view of asphalt that runs across the edge of my land. The sun has not yet risen but it’s already hot. It’s always hot.
But not today. When I peered, half-asleep, out that dirty glass window early last week I found a bizarre sight. Through the glass, frosted with ice, I saw not the usual dull brown and reds of the country, but an amazing world of bright whites and beautiful, shining snow painted over my land. Somehow, and I still haven’t quite figured it out, my hot, sticky, lazy town had been replaced with a vibrant, gorgeously breathtaking one. I was astonished. I was so excited, in fact, that I immediately ran out to greet the new alien planet I had discovered. This, I soon learned, was a bad idea.
What had at first appeared to be a gift from the gods soon became the most terrible curse I could imagine. Sure the snow is beautiful, and sure the children love the stuff. But as soon as I darted outside, running across the lawn like a schoolchild toward a candy store, I understood the horrors of winter weather. My feet were suddenly no longer attached to the ground. What blasphemy was this? My arms were flailing about wildly and I seemed to be floating. But I was not floating. I was falling. And it hurt.
Since that initial slip I have fallen at least a dozen times; on the stairs, on the sidewalk, in my driveway. Even my loyal dogs seem to be standing in specific areas strategically mapped to cause me to trip and fall. I can’t walk, I can’t run, and I can barely drive. Yes, we get it; snow is pretty. But is it really worth me risking a broken bone every time I go outside? I think not. So I’m begging you, anyone who has the power to do so, speed up global warming! Make the skies rain fire! Burn the earth! Whatever it takes to end this nightmare, I beg you to do it.
Please, set the planet on fire now, before someone gets hurt!
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